If either you or a loved
one has become addicted to pornography, there is help available. You DO
NOT have to continue in slavery to pornography!
This first section will
deal with my own advice regarding this addiction to the addict. The
second section will have a host of services that can help you. Some of the
helps listed here are counseling services, accountability and content
monitoring software services or self-help books. I highly suggest contacting some of these
self-help services as I have already written out here everything I would tell
you. There are services for those who
are addicted and for their families listed below.
(1) Tell someone you
trust about the addiction. The power of sin is in its darkness.
When sin is brought out into the light, it loses a lot of steam. The best
idea is to enlist an accountability partner with whom you will promise to be
honest. The Word of God tells us that we need to confess our sins not
just to the Lord, but to each other. If you are married, you need to make
confession to your spouse. If you are a minor, you need to confess to
your parents. Whoever has been wronged by your actions needs a
confession. That brings up another issue: is pornography a
victimless problem?
(2) Pornography is not victimless.
The addict is the first victim. I will discuss that in more detail
below. Spouses are victims. If married, you have left the sanctity
of the marital vows. What? Just by looking.
Un huh. Jesus said that the sin has been
committed when the mind is engaged, remember? The action is just the
result of the actual sin. If unmarried, you have already cheated your
future mate. All matters regarding our sexuality were created for a
two-fold purpose within marriage. One is for procreation. The other
is for a sort of bond or cement to the marriage vows. God's Word is clear
on His created purpose for human sexuality. There are clear
boundaries. Going against the created purpose of the universe is butting
one's head against reality. There WILL be consequences. Just like
in an athletic game, staying within the boundaries allows you to not only keep
playing, but to win. Those who continually go out of bounds either get
sidelined or lose. They will never be happy or find any joy in it.
Love is not a feeling, but a daily act of commitment to the well-being of the
beloved. By its very nature addiction to porn is a self-centered,
self-absorbed way of life. It's all about you. That was not God's
intent for marital love and commitment.
(3) Pornography is based
purely on fantasy. Reality can never match the fantasy. Again, one
is living against reality here. There will be an escalating desire for
the fantasy to become reality. Eventually escalation becomes necessary.
Pornography acts like heroin on the brain. The viewer may start off with
very mild porn, but that will cease to excite. They will slowly move into
harder forms. When that ceases to excite, some form of acting out will
happen. It's all about choosing reality over fantasy. The reality is
fairly dull. This is why so many are disappointed in marriage. Porn
addicts are inordinately affected with this issue because the fantasy has
become an alternative reality that can and will never be true.
(4) The problem is not in
your hormones or your body, but the enemy struggling for control of your
mind. The Apostle Paul, in his letter to the Church in
You begin by telling
yourself the truth - that all human beings, whether male or female, are direct
creations of a Holy God, created in His image and that they were not placed on
this earth for your satisfaction. As you begin to tell yourself this
truth over and over again, you will be unable to continue lusting after the fantasies
you have created in your mind because reality will have set in. You will
see that nothing in what you are doing now is satisfying and that working
towards a solid relationship that includes fidelity, faithfulness, love and
respect, will be satisfying. You will begin to believe the truth so much,
that even looking at the pictures will making you ill. You will no longer
have to constantly be concerned about leaving it aside, it will leave you.
(5) YOU ARE NOT AN ANIMAL
(no matter what drivel they teach at school), at the mercy of your hormones and
physical sensations. God has instilled in humans the ability to think and
to reason. In making ourselves to be slaves of the physical, we must put
all reason aside and become as animals. This is not how we were
created. Naturalism says that we are an accident of nature and just a
higher order of animal. Creation says that we are distinct, not only as a
species, but as each individual. Not only are you not an animal without
reason, the person you are looking at is not an animal. At this point,
this is how you are treating them. The pleasure you are getting here and
now is going to have future repercussions - not only future, but eternal.
Nothing we do is for the here and now. Everything thought and action effects
eternity (more on that in a moment).
(6) Understand the
difference between the immediate and the eternal. Every word, every deed,
indeed, every thought has eternal consequences. Again, naturalism has
taught you to live in the immediate because there can be no eternal.
However, the reality is that there is an eternal and you are part of it.
Every thought you have in darkness has negative eternal value because every
thought is going to work it's way outward in how you
view and treat others. In reality, your immediate desire is not important
in the entire scope of things. Once you get a grip on that reality, you
are more willing to reassess what you are thinking. One of the best
quotes I have ever read said that, "wisdom is knowing
reality and adjusting yourself to it."
(7) I hope you will begin
to take these steps. One more thing, you must realize that this is a
PROCESS. It will take time. God is going to be more patient with
you if you are willing to do this than you will be with yourself. When we
come to Christ, God has to remold us into the image of Christ. Sin has
marred the original image. The process is lifelong and sometimes very
painful, for both Him and His clay. C.S. Lewis made a great
analogy. He said that when God begins that process, we sometimes don't
mind too much because He begins with the seemingly larger, but actually smaller
issues. He sweeps house, takes down pictures, covers up a few holes here
and there. Not too bad. Eventually though, He starts into the
things that are not quite so obvious. He starts tearing out walls and
ripping up carpet, etc. Ouch! We think, "what
on earth is He up to? That hurts!" Lewis response was that our
thinking is wrong. We think he only wants to clean up His new dwelling,
but He is the King of Kings. He needs to remake us, His temple, into a
palace fit for Him to live in. The issue you are facing seems large, but
it is one of the more obvious and actually less painful remakes you will go
through in your journey to becoming like Christ. However, if you never
get past it, you'll never get on to the rest of the process and remain pretty
much where you are spiritually. My advice is to do whatever it takes now.
Maturity is very much worth it. Eternity is very much worth it.
Freedom is very much worth it. Reality is very much worth it. Human
beings are very much worth it - at least Christ thought so. He was
willing to take the punishment we deserved in order to bring us back into
relationship with Creator God. Are you willing to begin the process of
giving up fantasy for reality, maturity, eternity and for others.
(8)If you
are a spouse of a porn addiction, demand counseling. It is your
spousal right to expect faithfullness and it is your
spousal responsibility not to allow your spouse to be caught up into such sin
without great attempts at intervention. Please, please realize that the
chance of escalation is enormous.
(9) If you are a parent of
a porn addicted child - GET THEM COUNSELING! Those images are never going
to leave their minds, but the hope is that they can stop seeing humans as
objects of their own pleasure before they hurt others.
(10) If someone you know is
viewing child porn, even if it is your spouse or child, the best favor you
could do for them is to turn them in. This kind of issue needs special
help and intervention. Again, the chance of escalation is high.
(11) Parents and
Spouses: There are some steps you can take to help prevent future
incidents. (1) Have the home computer in a public place (2) Frequently check the computer for spyware/adware/malware by installing an anti-spyware program. Many don't know that porn sites
routinely place this stuff into computers. (3) Use a password
system so that a child can't be on by themselves (4)
Use a monitoring program (with the full knowledge of the addict) (5) Be
careful of what gets watched on TV (partial nudity and sex scenes could
certainly trigger a desire to return to porn) and make sure that magazines with
sexual stories and partial nudity are not in the house. Protecting your
loved ones may mean making some adjustments yourself. What doesn't bother
you may bother them greatly.
Covenant Eyes - this is not a filter. This
software is designed for you to have an accountability partner of your
choosing. It tracks every web visit and sends the information to
your accountability partner. It cannot be bypassed. I could not find
out whether the program can also track chat rooms and web-based email (people
can receive pornography by email as well as look at websites).
X3Watch - This software keeps a list of
questionable sites and tracks your web browsing. Once per month, an
accountability partner of your choosing receives a report of any questionable
sites you may have accessed. The information is not stored by the
software maker and will be seen only by the accountability partner. The
software is free.
Integrity Online Filtered Internet
Service. For only $21.95 per month, you
get filtered web access, 5 filtered email addresses, special homeschool features and personal web space from Integrity
Online. This price is less than the
basic service offered from most unfiltered service providers.
Safe Browse & Safe Eyes: Filtered internet browsing,
monitoring controls, search engine filtering, instant reports, time
controls. Recommended by Setting Captives Free.
Tech Mission Safe Families: "The goal of the TechMission Safe Families program is to assist parents,
churches and computer centers in protecting children in at-risk communities
from pornography and other dangers on the Internet. We seek to meet this
objective by distributing free Internet filtering software to families in
at-risk communities and by providing training and educational materials to
parents, churches and community organizations on how to protect children
online. We also provide resource information for adults on issues of
pornography addiction, accountability and recovery."
Wise Choice: $5 per month filter that works
with all ISP's and browsers. Includes accountability
reporting software. Protect up to three computers with one
account. Great for porn addicts as it cannot be turned off. Large
groups like schools & churches can call for special rates to protect all
computers. Two-week free trial.
Cyber
Snoop from Pearl Software: they also have a version that
can be used with AOL
CYBERsitter: Records all Instant Messenger chat conversations for
AOL Instant Messenger (AIM), MSN, and Yahoo Messengers. Now you can know who
your kids are chatting with to ensure that they are not communicating with
strangers. Provides over 30 categories of filtering making it
the most complete Internet filter available. Filters are updated
automatically, and there are no subscription charges. A sophisticated
"content recognition" system recognizes and blocks new objectionable
web sites even before they know about them. Allows parents to override blocked
sites, add their own sites to block, specify allowable times to access the
Internet, and maintains a detailed log of all Internet activity and violations.
It will even send a daily report to parents by e-mail. No fees - one time
only purchase charge.
Safe Eyes: see description in section
above.
ARTICLE: How to Protect Your
Kids Online
Be Broken Ministries
- Info on helping
friends or family caught up into any kind of sexual addictions. The
founder is available for seminars in churches. Counselor referral service
is available.
Freedom From Sexual
Addiction -
This site is from Pastor Luis J. Castillo. Luis offers his own personal
testimony and many helps to become free from many types of sexual
addictions. I know a little about him from email correspondence and I
would highly recommend the helps he offers.
Breaking Pornography Addiction - A Plan For
Personal Success. Recommends books, accountability and
Covenant Eyes software.
Fires of
Darkness - A Ministry for Pornography Addicts
and The People Who Love Them. Resources for
parents and wives of addicts. This is some of the best material on
the internet because the people who have written it know about pornography
addiction FIRST-HAND.
Institute For
Sexual Integrity.
Helpful information for Pastors, Churches, Parents, and
Therapists about porn/sexual addictions and ways to recognize these addictions.
Pure Intimacy - Addressing Online Sexual Temptation. Resources for the addict and their family members.
Site created by Focus On The Family.
Setting
Captives Free. Includes 60
day Pure Freedom Course and Purity Force Challenge for teens.
Winning Edge Ministries - dedicated to restoring fallen
pastors and religious leaders.
New Life Partners - a support
group for women whose husbands are pornography/sexual addicts.
Pure Online: Confidential help with porn
addiction.
Higher Calling: Christ-centered community abundant
with hope for the sexually broken.
Heart-To-Heart Counseling Center,
Colorado Springs, CO